supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

woohoo!! it’s christmas!! — NOT. it isn’t christmas anymore and i still haven’t felt that "omg-it’s-christmas-feeling" thing. and i haven’t felt it in such a long time. six years, i believe. an abnormality? naaaah… i don’t think so.

weeks ago, a voice inside of me was saying "this time, you won’t be crying. your dad’s not around and you have, are, and will deal with it." ha! somehow i really believed it. for the past three years or so, i’ve felt an undescribable sense of loneliness whenever christmas day came. and for those few years, it has always been because i didn’t get to spend this oh-so-awaited holiday with him. and since i’ve practically accepted the fact that i might not ever get to spend christmas with him ever again, i figured that this christmas, tears wouldn’t be rolling down my face. but they did. this time though, that sense of loneliness was different. still unbearable, but different. this time i felt like a total alien in my own family. the reasons? well, i’m getting there.

lately i’ve been having this hideous allergy that doesn’t seem to go away. so yes, i was advised to lay off certain things since we don’t know what is really causing it. i couldn’t (and i still can’t) eat chocolate (!), yellow mangoes, shellfish (which i haven’t been eating for the past 6 years since i am allergic to it. so yeah, it isn’t the cause.), nuts, and chicken. christmas day comes and hours before christmas dinner is served,i quietly listen to "the elders" go over the list for the food we were going to have. after hearing the whole list, i decided that i would be eating only the ham, the macaroni salad, tita lot’s spaghetti, and some of the pastry (those that didn’t have chocolate). but lo and behold! i find that not only do i get to miss out on a lot of  the food that was to be served, but i was going to not have to eat the spaghetti too since the sauce contained some beer. tough luck. i just stood there thinking, "ok there’s another dish that’s off my list." then it hit me. i felt so alienated. i thought these people, my family, understood my condition. i thought they understood that i am not to have even the least bit of alcohol in my system. then scenes of them drinking flash in my head. whoa. are they really that inconsiderate of how all this affects me deep down? they don’t know how it feels. they don’t know how it feels at all. i went straight away to my sanctuary — my room. with me, i brought those cruel thoughts, those uncomfortable feelings, everything. it hurts me so much. but what really made me cry was the smell of beer filling the house evere so slowly. it was horrifying for me. just the smell of it made me feel so many emotions i thought i had lost.

someone then told me that it was okay for me to eat the spaghetti since some recovering people actually eat fruit cakes and the like; that it was my choice if i’m going to eat it.  i chose not to. just the thought that it contains alcohol makes me shiver inside. it is that scary for me. and so much more confusing.

alone in my room, i felt like i had before. wanting oh-so-much to escape this house. to seek for some sort of freedom; some sense of peace. then slowly, i felt better. slowly, i understood my family. i remembered that i didn’t even ask them to stay away from such things. slowly, i got out of my room and i wasn’t as lonely anymore. God is here. he always has and always will be. and i am thankful. although my christmas wasn’t the usual kind of christmas people have, although it wasn’t how i expected it to turn out, i love it and  i consider it to be one of the best. this time around, i didn’t do what i did back then and i wasn’t alone. *sniff* *sniff*

i want to watch season 4 of l-word na! :’c it’s depressing, i tell you.  i have to wait about seven freaking months to watch it just because our freaking cable operator cannot provide us with the showtime channel. so yeah, i have no recourse but to rely on pirated dvd’s since this city doesn’t seem to have original dvd’s available. dang it! now i’m stuck with watching the past seasons, the teasers, and the other lil things connected to l-word, over and over again. depressing, right?

ok, so lately i’ve been stuck watching the l-word. what does "l-word" stand for? i have no idea. thing is, it could stand for tons of things. one, it could be life. two, or maybe it’s love. three, perhaps it even stands for lesbian seeing as the characters in the storyline are lesbians. hell, it could stand for so many things. i’ll leave that to you to figure out.

one person asked if i was a lesbian when she found out that i love the show. like hello?? could that person be anymore dim? i certainly am not. i am 100% straight, thank you! i’d just like to point out that if a person has fun watching a show with homosexual characters, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are homosexuals themselves. is it wrong for a heterosexual to enjoy watching those kind of shows? no.

l-word is, well, a perfect mix of comedy, romance, drama, absurdity and total chaos. it’s definitely worth the time. so get your own copy now…

*words of caution… you might want to watch it when you’re alone. your parents and siblings might not like you watching it. take my mom, for example. although, she did take it quite lightly. and i have no problem with my sibling since she watches it too. anyway, season 1 has some kinda R18 scenes. i swear. it was kind of freaky at first but once you get past the girl-to-girl kissing-slash-in action scenes, you’ll love it since the stories are just fun.

"Is the world fundamentally a better place because of science and technology? We shop at home, we surf the Web… at the same time, we feel emptier, lonelier and more cut off from each other than at any other time in human history… "

-from the movie Contact

true. very true. i was planning to write something to attest this quote even further but then it speaks for itself. and if i did write, i would just be going around in circles stating the same point over and over again — which i usually do. haha

to truly desire to do God’s will, therein lies happiness for a human being. i, in some way, see that now.

i started out wanting my own way and wanting only my will to be satisfied. i took, i kept asking for more, then i took again, and i absolutely did not give anything back. in the past few months, i came to find that i am not happy when i am selfish, and i began to make allowances for other people’s wills. but then this again does not give me full happiness, and i realized that a few weeks ago. when i did, i began to see that the only way to be truly happy is to do God’s will.

thing is, doing His will hurts at times. and it does now. it hurts up to some point that i start to think that maybe it’s okay to stick with him. after all, i do want to be with him and he says he wants to be with me. but is that enough? is love enough? relationships have certain demands and right now, i am in no state to handle them. so there. this hurts, but i’ll stick with what He wills me to do — love myself.

*note: cheesy, but true.